When expectations hijack your behaviour

By Leona Bishop.

Anna was preparing for a major presentation.

The updated figures from her colleague didn’t arrive when she expected them to. Her chest tightened, her jaw clenched.

In seconds her energy was being pulled toward purple.

Her first instinct was to react, to fire off a sharp message and make her frustration known in front of the team, but she caught herself. She paused and took a moment to work out what was really going on before deciding how to respond.

Anna’s moment of pause wasn’t unique to her role or situation. We all have these flashpoints - times when something small on the surface triggers a big internal reaction. You might not be preparing for a presentation, but the same dynamic plays out in everyday life…

Picture this...

You’re fuming in traffic because someone cut in front of you.
You sigh heavily because a colleague has, yet again, left you to tidy up the meeting room.
You quietly simmer at home because your partner didn’t notice that you had done “all the things.”

In moments like these, it’s easy to believe the problem is “out there” - the driver, the colleague, the partner, but in Functional Fluency, our behaviour is the real clue.

Often, it’s telling us the root of our frustration isn’t what happened… but an expectation we were holding that reality just trampled on.

Expectations: the invisible fuel

The tricky thing about expectations is that they’re invisible - to everyone else, but often to ourselves too. They are so woven into how we see the world, that we barely notice them until something rubs up against them.

At first glance, these moments are just annoyances, but through the lens of Functional Fluency, they’re invitations to go deeper.

Looking through the Functional Fluency framework is a way in - it becomes a lens that helps you move beyond the surface irritation to uncover the beliefs, assumptions, expectations, and needs quietly steering your behaviour.

The autopilot chain

When we’re not paying attention, our inner process tends to follow a predictable chain:

Belief → Assumption → Expectation → Need → Energy Shift → Reaction → Behaviour

Using Anna’s story as an example:

• Belief – the “truth” you hold about how life works. “Professional people meet deadlines.”
• Assumption – the taken-for-granted interpretation based on that belief. “My colleague values deadlines the same way I do.”
• Expectation – the concrete prediction that grows from that assumption. “The figures will arrive on time without reminders.”
• Need – what you require to feel supported and effective. “I need timely information to prepare well and feel confident.”
• Energy Shift – when reality collides with the expectation, your energy is pulled toward Purple Pitfalls.
• Reaction – on autopilot, it’s fast and unfiltered. Anna wanted to criticise sharply in front of others.
• Behaviour – the visible action, which can either strengthen or strain results and relationships.

Fact vs expectation

If there were no expectation, there would be no problem, just a fact.

Fact: Your neighbour mows the lawn at 7am on Saturday.
Expectation: You thought you were going to have a quiet, peaceful morning.

In Functional Fluency, this is where things get interesting.

The “problem” isn’t the lawnmower - it’s the gap between your expectation and reality, and where your energy starts to flow in response.

That early morning noise might pull your energy toward:

• Dominating - “They shouldn’t be doing this!”
• Complying/Resisting - grumbling but saying nothing.
• Marshmallowing - tolerating it outwardly while resenting it inwardly.
• Immature - feeling you want to yell at the neighbour or do something equally impulsive.

The key is noticing which behaviour your energy is shifting toward in that moment.
That’s your first clue you’re approaching a choice point - the moment where you can pause and consciously redirect your energy.

From there, you can move into a 'Golden Mode', such as:

• Accounting - “It’s Saturday, my neighbour often mows at this time. I can use earplugs or take an early walk.”
• Structuring - “I’ll have a friendly conversation about possible later times.”

Spotting the shift is the gateway to behaviour that works better for you - and for others.

The choice point: interrupting the chain

The Power of Choice (Susannah Temple) shows we don’t have to be driven by the autopilot chain.
The moment we notice the energy shift, we can pause and use Accounting to understand what’s really going on before reacting.

Accounting means:

• Notice the energy shift - “I feel my frustration rising.”
• Name the expectation - “I expected the figures to arrive without reminders.”
• Identify the belief and assumption - “I believe professionals meet deadlines, and I assumed my colleague works the same way I do.”
• Recognise the need - “I need accurate data in time to prepare and feel confident.”

Only after this process do we reach a genuine choice point - where we can direct our energy into Golden Modes:

• Accounting – staying clear on the facts.
• Structuring – setting or resetting agreements and boundaries.
• Nurturing – caring for self and others in the process.
• Cooperative – co-creating a way forward.
• Spontaneous – adding lightness and flexibility.

Anna’s choice

Once Anna had done her Accounting, she saw the facts: the figures were late, the presentation was tomorrow, and her colleague was juggling two projects.

She chose to:

• Structure a mini plan for the next hour.
• Cooperate on a handover checklist to prevent repeats.
• Nurture the relationship by acknowledging her colleague’s quick turnaround.
• Spontaneous - adding a playful comment that eased tension and reminded them they were on the same team.

As a result, she delivered the presentation confidently, strengthened the working relationship, and prevented future stress.

From reaction to response

On autopilot, the chain runs straight to reaction.
With the Power of Choice, you can interrupt it - using Accounting to see clearly, meet your needs more effectively, and channel your energy into behaviour that brings better outcomes.

Because the real power isn’t in having no expectations - it’s in seeing them, understanding what fuels them, and choosing how to use your energy when reality doesn’t match the picture in your head.

Your turn...

Think about a recent situation where you felt frustrated, irritated, or let down.

Can you trace the chain - belief, assumption, expectation, need, energy shift, reaction, behaviour?

What happened when you spotted your expectation?

Every time you recognise that moment - the 'choice point' - you reclaim energy that might otherwise spiral into the purple modes.

Awareness opens the door to the Golden ones. That’s the quiet power of Functional Fluency in action.